Oh God, You Devil

So, I've been struggling for the past 8 months. I've downsized in every way imaginable and I am still barely breathing. I moved into a smaller place. I no longer have a car. I buy any clothes that I get from Target, yet I'm drowning. I feel like I've been cast out to sea with no safety net or safe harbor to rest my weary head upon. I'm longing for a lighthouse to guide me back to shore. I started attending church again because I felt like I had no soul. I was constantly searching for fulfillment in things and situations which left me feeling pretty shallow. So, I'm back at church, but it's not wholly fulfilling. On Sunday I didn't walk out of there feeling like I was filled up. It's even hard for me to pray right now. I'm so numb and alternately anxious all at once. It's like I keep repeating over an over again - "I'm not a bad person, why is this happening to me?" Happiness, ease and contentment are foreign words to me. I feel good when I'm working out, but even that has recently become a tense endeavor. Amber's registration expired in June and so for the past month every time I drive to the Rose Bowl my eyes are constantly darting around for fear that I'll be stopped by the cops. And to top things off someone swiped Amber's side view mirror on Thursday, so now I can't even go to the Rose Bowl. I'm paralyzed. Nothing seems to work. I've borrowed a lot of money from my parents in the past month and I still need more. I am so upset with God right now for this shit storm. I keep wanting things to be fixed and I keep thinking oh, this has got to be it - it can't get any worse, but it does. Each week is a new lesson in humiliation. At moments I realize that it's not God's job to make things better. And I realize that it's my own fault for thinking of God like the Wizard of Oz as a bearer of palpable gifts: money, boyfriend, new car, svelt figure. God has never promised any of those things. This is why I always lose patience with God and am seduced by the devil? God's Promise is everlasting life, which is hard when this life is hard enough...