A New Day

It's been an amazing 21 months and finally we have a new President: Barack Obama. I won't pretend to be eloquent but the best moment of today is realizing that it is also my grandma's 90th birthday. I know she was watching over the proceedings:) The second best part: giving the news to my parents at 8pm PST that Barack Obama had secured enough of the electoral college to be declared our 44th President. There were shouts of joy and then silence on the other end of the line. I thought my parents fainted. It felt special to celebrate with them.

Oh God, You Devil

So, I've been struggling for the past 8 months. I've downsized in every way imaginable and I am still barely breathing. I moved into a smaller place. I no longer have a car. I buy any clothes that I get from Target, yet I'm drowning. I feel like I've been cast out to sea with no safety net or safe harbor to rest my weary head upon. I'm longing for a lighthouse to guide me back to shore. I started attending church again because I felt like I had no soul. I was constantly searching for fulfillment in things and situations which left me feeling pretty shallow. So, I'm back at church, but it's not wholly fulfilling. On Sunday I didn't walk out of there feeling like I was filled up. It's even hard for me to pray right now. I'm so numb and alternately anxious all at once. It's like I keep repeating over an over again - "I'm not a bad person, why is this happening to me?" Happiness, ease and contentment are foreign words to me. I feel good when I'm working out, but even that has recently become a tense endeavor. Amber's registration expired in June and so for the past month every time I drive to the Rose Bowl my eyes are constantly darting around for fear that I'll be stopped by the cops. And to top things off someone swiped Amber's side view mirror on Thursday, so now I can't even go to the Rose Bowl. I'm paralyzed. Nothing seems to work. I've borrowed a lot of money from my parents in the past month and I still need more. I am so upset with God right now for this shit storm. I keep wanting things to be fixed and I keep thinking oh, this has got to be it - it can't get any worse, but it does. Each week is a new lesson in humiliation. At moments I realize that it's not God's job to make things better. And I realize that it's my own fault for thinking of God like the Wizard of Oz as a bearer of palpable gifts: money, boyfriend, new car, svelt figure. God has never promised any of those things. This is why I always lose patience with God and am seduced by the devil? God's Promise is everlasting life, which is hard when this life is hard enough...

Cyber Stalking

So, there is this guy that I'm fond of and instead of talking to him, I cyber stalk him. It started off innocently enough with a quick search for him on Myspace, but now I check his cousin's blog daily for updates on his family. It's grown beyond just looking for tidbits and info on my Object d'amor. Now, I peruse the blog to read what new and glorious things have happened in the lives of people I will probably never meet. I mean the blog is at times inspiring. It's pretty awesome to read the words of someone who loves Christ so much. As I journey back to the bosom of Christ I find her struggles with living as a Christian to be encouraging. The blog is also funny. There are humorous pictures and accounts of dunderhead mistakes. There is beauty - the photos are artistic and the blogger is an artist who let's us in on her wondrous talent. The blog is also painful to read; an earlier post recounts her parents temporary separation. I feel like I would read this blog if my boy was not related to the author, but still is it wrong to know so much about someone that you actually know? I mean I'm so afraid of people who I work with looking at my Myspace page that I have set it to private. Maybe one day he and I will actually have these conversations with each other instead of the one sided thing that going on now. Who knows maybe he would be just as enamored with my family and friends :)

Life in the Carpool Lane v.1

So, my roommate Amber and I finally started carpooling 2 weeks ago. The first week i totally forgot that there were two of us in the car and I never utilized the car pool lane. I only realized the genius of the car pool lane the second week when Amber slid into it during a particularly heavy traffic day and we still ended up getting to work in fifteen minutes. NICE! So, this week I'm taking advantage of the car pool lane and it is awesome! Even when I should be super later for work I'm not.

Today was particularly fun because Amber and I were reminiscing about old John Mayer interviews. Yes, we remember old John Mayer interviews. Yes, at one time we were super fans, and yes we wear our battles proudly. Anyways back to the reminiscing part - it was so much fun to just sit in the car and laugh and quote these ridiculous interviews, We have both seen them so many times that we can quote them word for word. If anyone had been in the car with us they would have assumed we were high or something because of the silliness, but it's just the type of thing you do with someone you've been friends with for 11 years. Good times. And I needed it. Lately I feel like the Universe is conspiring against me because everything that can go wrong has lately, so I needed a break from all my worries which are causing me to be majorly stressed. So, the lesson here: when you're feeling down just think of celebrity interviews that happen in places like Belgium.

Getting Lost

Sometimes it's fun to get lost. Maybe you have no pressing commitments and you find yourself in anew location and you're just wandering around and find that you don't remember how you came to where you are or how to get back to where you eventually will need to be. Other times it's just stressful. I went hiking in a new canyon on Friday and I totally got lost.

I had planned to go to Griffith Park, but at the last minute I decided to try a canyon in Altadena instead. I drove up Lake until it ended and found my self at the historical Cobb Estate. The only think left of The Cobb Estate is the entry gate. I can tell at one time this was a palacial estate tucked into the Altadena/Pasadena mountains. Once inside the gates I made my way up the crumbly road and followed a little post marked "trai." The hike was going pretty well. The incline wasn't too steep, but I was definitely getting a cardio workout and I felt calm walking in the natural surroundings. By the time I reached the end of the trail I was on I wasn't ready to finish my hike yet, so I looked around to see if the trail extended beyond where I was standing. I noticed that there were stais made of earth that asceded above me. I thought to myself , how convenient! As I looked at the earthen stairs more carefully I noticed that they seemed pretty steep and uneven, in other words dangerous, but there didn't seem to be any other trails, so I started to climb he stairs.

As I climed the stairs I decided that I needed to find a different path down. The steps were steep. At each plateau I would pause to catch my breath and look across the riverbed at Echo Mountain and wonder how I could get to that trail with its winding path instead of the path that I was on which cut straight up the mountain. It didn't help that I had drank two red bulls prior to the hike. My heart was beating fast and it made me short of breath. I kept going up the stairs hoping that I would run into a trail that would lead me down the mountain. I was finally almost at the peak of the mountain and I saw a trail that looked like it led back down the mountain. I rejoiced and proceeded to follow the uneven trail. I was finding my way down the mountain when the cleared path ended and was replaced by overgrown bushes and trees. I paused for a long moment and considered going into the thicket and then I heard rustling in the bushes and decided to turn around. However at that point I was far from the stairs and I couldn't see them any longer. I closed my eyes took in the warmth of the sun and just stood still and meditated for a moment. I thought about this guy I have a crush on and then I opened my eyes and resigned myself to the fact that I would just have to walk back up the mountain and find the stairs, so that I could get back down.

I was making my way back and had run into another area where there didn't seem to be any trail around me. I was listening to my "songs to hike to mix" and panicking when I heard a voice. I looked up and saw that this guy was below me on the trail asking me a question. Rejoice! I asked him if he saw the stairs down there and he said yeah. And he told me which way to walk to get down to the stairs. And I walked the rest of the way down with Dave. And it was great. I usually like to zone out when I'm hiking and listen to music, but it was cool to hear the history of the canyons from Dave. He pointed out the Ruins a top Echo Mountain and other things in the area. Apparently The Cobb Estate was owned by the Marx Brothers. We finally made it back to those gates and parted ways, but for the rest of the day i told everyone I spoke to how I got lost and God sent me an angel in the form of Dave to get me out of the mountains.

Allow myself to introduce myself

So, I'll be 30 in about five months. I'm looking forward to it because it's so cliche to dread being 30. I'm kind of over my twenties at this point. I enjoyed my twenties, but it'll be cool to figure out a new decade. I have a feeling though that I won't want to turn 31. I mean 30 is great. It's awesome it's befitting of it's own card category, but 31 just feels so over the hill. It certainly won't all end at 31, but I feel the cold hard breath of father time at the point. Until then I'll be on here blogging away; trying to get over my fear of being judged for my thoughts - as ridiculous as they may be.